Nik: Thank you doctor. I'll start from the beginning. It was when I was 11 or 12 years old that I began my infatuation with the Devils. You see I grew up with my dad and bro as Minnesota North Star fans, now the Dallas Stars. Having only one television in the house and dad ruling the roost, I had no choice but to watch every single Hockey Night in Canada that the Stars appeared in and to sum up the early to mid-80s experience: They totally sucked! I remember my dad grunting and snarling every time I asked him obnoxiously, yet sincerely, "Dad why is your hockey team so bad? How can you watch them?" Being the only girl in the family, if I wanted to have conversations with my dad, bro or anyone else, I needed to learn to speak sports. But the Northstars were totally freakin' embarrassing! Yet I really truly wanted to give hockey fandom a go. I explored the Pittsburgh Penguins because after all, they had a cute penguin for their logo. But that was too girly a choice and it just wouldn't stick. Then I thought, well every summer we go to Toronto and I feel I have some small tie to the Canadian people, like they're my cousins and stuff, so maybe I'll like the Maple Leafs. But then I couldn't figure out how they couldn't be deemed totally disloyal for not having a red leaf for Canada as opposed to the blue leaf. The blue leaf made no sense at all! I've never freakin' seen a blue leaf before! So the Canadiens were blue and red so what! Steal the red. You're clashing customs here. So again, my heart strings could not tie. But then came the Utica Devils games. I enjoyed it when mom and dad brought us to the Utica Aud. It wasn't like the hockey on TV. It was actually very exciting and fun to watch! So at one game dad said, "You see these guys here?...They get called up to the hockey teams we watch on T.V." And I was like really?! "Yes the guys you see here playing right now could one day play for the New Jersey team in the NHL."
Marte'n: Oookay, so what does this all have to do aboot me? I doon't understand.
Nik: Would you have some courtesy and let me explain my psychosis! See how he tries to control me?
Doc: Yes Marte'n try not to interrupt. Your fantasy wife needs to publicly express her feelings. Nik, please continue...
Nik: So if we fast forward to 1995, the year I graduated high school, I was going through a very difficult time in my life, but my team came through with who would become my future Captain of My Fantasy Husband Team, Super Star Goalie Marte'n Brrrrrrrrrrroduer. And so our relationship began and I've pretty much been infatuated ever since. Even the whole cheatin on the wife with the brother's wife thing some years back...I got past it for Marte'n the goalie, not Marte'n the man!
Doc: Interesting.
Nik: Indeed.
Doc: So, when did your harsh feelings against Marte'n begin?
Nik: Well, it kind of sorta started after the first game against the Flyers in the first round, even though I was never expecting my team to get that far this year. Going back to December, things weren't looking too hot. I didn't totally blame Marte'n until the gossip behind the scenes talk began about Marte'n retiring and he didn't even feel the need to share this with me!
Marte'n: Ummmm. Seeing that I didn't know you even existed, I really don........
Nik: (Glare)
Marte'n: Sooorry.
Nik: Anywho, I tried to be a supportive fantasy wife anyway. Forty is not too old. You can't leave me!
Doc: What do you mean leave you? Wouldn't Marte'n be leaving hockey?
Nik: Um well, isn't it the same thing? I mean if Marte'n leaves who am I going to absolutely love? Who's going to be my Devil? Who's going to be my Fantasy Husband?
Doc: Interesting. So you're having feelings of abandonment...go on.
Nik: Ok so then we move...
Doc: We? You mean the Devils?
Nik: Yeah? WE! So we move on to play the Rangers and things get a bit uptight for me. I actually wanted the Rangers in the series at first because I was scared at how the Capitals were looking. If we faced them I was afraid we'd go down for sure. I felt against the Rangers we had a better chance despite the fierce rivalry and the nightmare of 1994 not far from our minds. But they fought hard. We went and pounced on them as soon as we hit the ice, but then we'd die by the second period. We weren't producing well enough during power plays and this really concerned me. I was yelling, I was screaming and no one was listening. I consider my husband superhuman goalie, but he was letting shots through! How dare he!
Doc: So your expressing your anger, and no one is responding...
Nik: Yeah whatever. So anyway I was hugely scared. I would go to bed depressed, angry, frustrated and confused on loss nights. But I was loyal to the end and we finally came through. Then came the first day of the finals against....huh.....LA, and I made everyone where black and red to work for Devils day. (tear)
Doc: I'm very proud you were able to say...L.A. by the way.
Nik: I know but it's really really hard to do especially without my Molson here! (Big sob)
Doc: I know, it's OK...
Knock at the door. "Hallooo..."
Doc: Come on in Wayne.
Nik: Ummm. Really? The Great One? Who the hell invited the Great One to our counseling session?
Gretzky: Sorry Donny was still getting dressed so he's running a little late. He couldn't find his glow in the dark bow tie.
Nik: Donny? Don Cherry? He's forbidden. Forbidden! All he's done is rip my guys from one series to the next. He always wants the favorite! First the Bruins dynasty...Then the Canadiens dynasty...Don Cherry can go Kiss My...
Doc: Now let's breath Nik, Feng Shui, Feng Shui. Since the L.A. Kings seem to be deeply rooted in the problems you and Marte'n's fantasy marital status, I felt it was important you speak to a representative of the focal point of your furiousness.
Nik: Is that the best you could come up with? How much am I paying you per hour anyway?
Doc: Seeing you work for the Sentinel and this is a total fantasy don't worry, we'll have Bobby Orr foot the bill.
Nik: Sweet then.
Gretzky: Haaalloo Marte'n....and you are?
Doc: (Whisper) Nik, it's Nik, don't piss her off any more!
Gretzky: Nicole...I understand you are having some issues with the outcome of the first four games of the Stanley Cup finals and this is upsetting you a great deal and putting pressure on a relationship that Marte'n had no idea he had.
Nik: Exactly. You see, the thing that nips me in the bud is that I had respect for your guys. Eight seat. That's a freakin' awesome accomplishment right there. If it were under different circumstances I'd be like kootos! You go! But how can I when you're playing my guys and my fantasy husband?
Gretzky: I understand. Thanks for the respect.
Nik: Yeah, whatever. But it's the Game 3 I obviously can't come to terms with. I mean, here Sunday I go to a family Christening and get ripped by my cousins and get reminded of the only single goal we "rightfully" scored off you guys. But at least you were keeping the games close, while keeping in mind you (points sharply to Marty) were still keeping me up nights and totally depressing me to the point my husband put his hand over my mouth just so he could go to sleep because I just couldn't stop rambling on and on about my heart ache!
Eric: Yeah, what's hockey?
Nik: Yeah, and that's why I need a fantasy husband so shut up! Who asked you?
Doc: Nik please continue.
Nik: Yeah, so, so yeah, um and then came Game 3 I couldn't hardly watch. I believed that I was a total curse for my guys and they were better off if I stayed away. But I kept peeking during commercial breaks. It was 2-0 when I gave up but I turned back just before going to bed, only to witness the horror of a 4-0 shut out! Marty? Really? Where the F were you?!!!!!!!!!
Marte'n: Ummm. I already had my ass reamed by DeBoer.
Nik: Yeah not good enough. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
Gretzky: But this is a great thing for L.A. and it's a great thing for the NHL!
Nik: WHAAAAAAAAAT? Really? Really? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? LA doesn't even deserve a hockey team! I hate LA and I've never even been to California. I already know I hate it! They don't get any snow. They don't even know what ice is. I take flu kooties and spit in your damn cup you BASTARD! Damn you and damn Stanley!
Doc: Ok Nik, we're not into promoting violence here. let's remove your hand from Wayne's neck, nice and slow like...very good. Good girl.
Nik: Marte'n I wanted the Stanley Cup and now I don't get the Stanley Cup! What about my needs?!
Marte'n: Ummm.. aboot that. You really wouldn't be getting it anyway.
Nik: OH REALLY?!!!!!!!!! (Jumps on Brodeur and puts him in head lock and kicks in knee).
Stay tuned for the next episode of Will Nik Finally File for Divorce Against Martin Brodeur? Will Game 4 clinch it? Only the hockey gods know for sure.
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