Hypno-Farts? There's a Yogurt for that!

In today's episode of Day of Our Lives, undercover Hope and John struggle to escape the single jail cell of Albania (apparently Albania has one jail cell, one French cafe and is inhabited by a population of 15 white people and a Shit-zu) to get back to their loved ones as they face the evil "monster" Stefano DiMera and his plot to destroy their lives by turning them back to their alter egos: Princess Gina and Sinister Sniper John Black, the special agent former priest.  Stefano brings in his favorite Nazi side-kick with the "sounds like he's evil to me" accent and forces them to wear gas masks that will emit a special elixir that will transform their personalities.  But to no avail, the special happy gas does not work and Hope makes a last-minute cry to her dying, or at least we all wish they'd kill him off, husband Beau, who is in a hospital bed a thousand miles away in Salem where his former whore and love interest Big Lips Billie is about to suck his bruised and bloodied face like one really long Ramen noodle.  So of course, I posed this question: If someone makes you suck happy gas and it therefore gives you gas, thus would you expire "Happy Farts?"  A very plausible hypothesis I must say.  For the answer I looked to Anorexic Geriatric Gonzo, the lurking umbrella that inflicts homicidal and suicidal thoughts to cartoon women everywhere!  Then there's Anorexic Gonzo's cousin the Terry Cloth Bathrobe (AUGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!), raped from the studios of Comedy Central's South Park.  Umbrellas and bathrobes, they're out to get us all!!!!  The bathrobe even takes notes as it watches a video of cartoon doctor listening to himself talk.  Makes me realize that no matter what dimension — this or the animated — doctors just like listening to their own bullshit...Anyway, if you can't trust the bathrobes or umbrellas, who the hell can you trust anymore!?  Apparently,  Jamie Lee Curtis.  Yes!  Jamie Lee and her pack of middle-aged baby boomer bitches are constipated and they're not going to take it anymore!  Just so happens their constipation causes the inner umbrellas and bathrobes to come out and haunt them.  All they can think about are clean bowels and which anti-aging cream to buy.  But don't worry girls, there is a way to fight back.  America...give me your tired, your weak...your CONSTIPATED!  We've got a way to make it all better...ACTIV--IAAAAAAA!!!!!  Now don't you feel better?  I know I do.  But how much better do you feel?  Well apparently if we want to feel our best, we've got to eat that Crazy Good kind of yogurt.  Yeah, it's "Crazy Good!"  We don't exactly know how crazy or how good CRAZY GOOD is, but listen to me when I tell you this this white stuff that looks like a bird that just ate from a boysenberry bush shit in this cup is CRAZY GOOD! So this afternoon, I hate regurgitated soap opera plot lines from writers with no creativity or originality and I hate  Hollywood and the Food and Drug Administration for telling us that one happy pill and a yogurt a day will make all our troubles go away!  Damn you Spaceballs!  It's YOOOOOOOGurt!