Never assume. You know what they say...ASSUME makes an Ass out of You and Me. For some reason that phrase popped into my head on the way out the door to my car for my morning commute to work. Maybe it was because in brief seconds before, I had remembered today was Friday the 13th. I will say that you could probably consider me a very suspicious person but for some reason, I never usually get all worked up over Friday the 13th. To me it’s a day like any other. Things have just as much a chance going wrong today as they do any other day. Actually, it’s for the reason that everyone else gets all paranoid about it that I sometimes look forward to that day, or even like picking that number on the very rare occasion I play the Lotto. So I usually never ASSUME that Friday the 13th is going to be nothing but a day of misery and misfortunes. But going back to when I was leaving for work, I do remember that I was a minute or two late. I was kind of frusterated because I really wasn’t on time all week. Not that I was late, but in my “analosity” covered in last week’s blog, I like to leave at a specific time. Right on the dot. And sometimes it does take that to make sure you don’t get caught in a pattern of cars going 25 in a 55 mph zone, which can be really annoying whether you’re running late or not. That was also a rude reminder of how tired I’ve been all week for some reason, and I remember starting to have desperate thoughts of just trying to get through this last day of the week without me killing someone or all hell breaking loose somewhere. Ever just wish with all your might just to have a quiet, uneventful day? Well, that’s what I was pulling for. So here my head starts swimming some more and meanwhile, talking about the annoying ‘way under the speed limit,” a small pack of cars (maybe 4-5) ahead of me and I get caught behind this huge hauler. And yes, he is literally traveling anywhere between 25 to maybe 35 in a 55. Luckily some cars along Route 840 began to pull into their workplaces, like the county DPW or Cornell Cooperative Extension. So at least that narrowed down the pack to me and this poor little blue Volkswagen directly ahead of me. We’re just about riding our brakes when all of a sudden this huge hauler starts swaying back and forth from side-to-side. You couldn’t see his load to be able to tell how heavy it was, but it was still a little disturbing to watch this million-ton truck barely keep itself on the road while you’re right behind it. I tried turning up my music to get into a song, but to no eval, I had my complete concentration on this truck. Everything else was just tuned out. So then creeps up those evil, gloomy thoughts again, “It must be because it’s Friday the 13th. Must be this truck is going to crash, we’re all going to die or worst case scenario we’re actually all going to make it to work this millenium, but a half-hour late and have to stay over on a Friday to make up the time!” Yes, sometimes death IS better. Maybe Freddy will pop out from my back seat and start clawing my face off. Hey, never know, could happen. Would be a very creative excuse for my tardiness if so needed anyway. Then comes more negative thoughts: what if my boss, who has been absent the last few days, is actually back to work today. What a way to end a Friday! He’s going to treat you like you’ve been a lazy piece of shit and haven’t done any work just because he hasn’t been there, even though for most people (I won’t say all), that couldn’t be farther from the truth. He’s going to go all Kamikaze on our asses and assign each of us five stories and want every one done at the same time and be to him at least an hour before deadline. Think this is much of an exageration? Scary truth is that it really isn’t. This attitude combined with the persistent beat of his oxygen concentrator I can only imagine that our lives could be compared to that of a soldier of the 501st Legion. Like Luke, that’s your dad? Really dude? Sorry...sucks to be you man! Then I begin thinking about how this will all be coupled by typing out 100 annoying press releases and listening to our narcisistic co-worker tell everyone how much better his stories are compared to the O.D. and how others just plagiarize him. Meanwhile he gets to nod off to his computer monitor while never getting caught! Wow yes, this is what I’m already looking forward to and the work day hasn’t even started yet! And I’ve managed to successfully convince myself of this prediction of the future thanks to the universal Friday the 13th philosophy. No wonder I have a headache now. Drugs anyone? So as I crept up the stairs and ever so slightly gripped the nob of the back door and began peering through the small opening to see what my true destiny held for the day, you can’t imagine my relief to find that the boss’ chair was once again empty. Maybe I can ASSUME that that moment was like the nirvana release of the hypno fart. But supposedly I’ve never released a hypno fart, so I’m not quite sure what that would be like. I can at least fantasize. So I guess the message for my people today is this. Just cuz it’s Friday the 13th, don’t ASSUME it’s going to be a rotten day and EVERYTHING is going to go wrong. I’d like to think that everything goes wrong EVERY DAY anyway! ;) Just think of it this way, it could always be worse. You could Robert Englund and live in your grandma’s basement with 50 cats and look forward to traveling to your next horror convention sporting your red and black “V-Visitors” uniform. Got mice?
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