Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

According to the third annual County Health Rankings report by the University of Wisconsin Population Health Institute and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, (which sounds incredibly "un-incredulous" don't you think?), us fat, lazy, over-drinking, smoking, stupid Oneida County residents — we're all going to DIE really, really soon.  Some voice inside me kind of already hinted at that suspicion, but coming from some Mid-Western hick in a think tank, makes it that much more factual.  Yes, supposedly we're all smoking cigarettes by age 8, getting knocked up by 14, contracting our first STD sometime between 14-16 (but hell how 'bout that chlamydia rate!), and frequenting every McDonalds and Burger King within a 30-mile radius when Aunt Rosalie isn't making us bushels of garlic bread and fried meatballs.  And yes, supposedly we don't get outside to do much either.  It's raining or snowing 360 days out of the year in Oneida County, so we either vegetate at home or go plop our ass fat on top of a bar stool because there's simply nothing else to freakin' do around here — according to the scientific report!   Then there's also the weed, crack and meth smokers who also agree there's nothing else better to freakin' do around here — OBVIOUSLY!  So why not get high?  No wonder people are crashin' their cars into trees and into the sides of abandoned buildings (according to the report), which must be why we keep so many around.  Or if we're among that lucky 1% to have had our depression diagnosed early (because supposedly there's no mental health professionals in Oneida County), we may make it to age 60, at which time we'll only have a half-lung left after the cancer.  We'll lay in a hospital bed, demanding we get our Jello no later than 5 a.m. and bitch that our Medicaid didn't pay for that roll of toilet paper stuffed up our ass.  With a future so bright, ya gotta cheer for the blight.  Unless of course, you're among that pathetic minority who believes in all your infinite denial that you and I can still be saved.  But let me remind you in this upcoming holiday weekend that according to popular belief, this was supposedly tried thousands of years ago and ultimately failed!  Been there, done that.  If you're a Christian, then obviously you've heard of Jesus.  And just to make sure we're all on the same page, no, he's not the guy who went head-to-head against Santa Claus or cheated on his golf game against Peter Griffin.  He is none other than the son of God.  Now why do you suppose God would send down his son to help us clean up our act?  Perhaps so that for generations we could be left with "Jesusey" innuendos like "Do unto others as you would have them do to you."  You see before Jesus, people were living up to the "vicious" Old Testament way of thinking.  You lookin at me?  Are you lookin' at me?  — Give me yo eye bitch!  But Jesus said best mellow out yo.  Which is why he gathered all his disciples at the last Grateful Dead concert, with guest appearances by Bread and Marilyn Manson, smoked hash and said, "My brothers, you gots to go out ther and be tellin' them Romans and Jews to chill! They can't be bangin thy neighbor's wife or takin' from thy stash.  That's just, just...just not cool, ya know what I'm sayin'?  Ya know?  They gotta be gettin it on all nice yo.  Be cool. Can't we all just get along?"  And the disciples were like, "Whoaaaaaa that's the word!"  And thus, we have the New Testament and all its Jesusey goodness being plastered along bumper stickers and yogurt containers world-wide!  But despite these constant reminders, it's obvious Oneida Countyians are yet to conform to the threats or words of wisdom from the heavens above.  No we choose instead to live in hate, denial and misery that only central New Yorkers have come to know, love and perfect!  So if any of you are wondering What Would Jesus Do?, I tell you this...If I were you Jesus, I'd do "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!"  The rest of the world and even Wisconsin will agree, ONEIDA COUNTY CANNOT BE SAVED.