"In a New York minute...Woo oh oooooh...Everything can change!" Turns out, Don Henley lied! On my most recent adventure to My City, things were not that quick to change at all. And upon returning to the workplace Monday, nothing has changed here either...we're all still stuck in the Land of Confusion. I wouldn't consider myself a "people person" per say, but the one thing I enjoy about the city is observing us humans in our natural and not-so natural habitats. The great thing about the city is that it's the spice of life, there's a little bit of everything and you never know what to expect, or if you're Forrest Gump, ya never know what yur gonna get! I started out my adventure just walking because my nerdy crafty self was in search of a particular yarn shop that I never found and just gave up on. The address was 1201 Broadway and I had no clue what it was near. When it took me about 15-20 (if not longer cuz I kinda lost track) minutes to just walk through the 1600 block of Broadway I knew I didn't have a prayer in getting there before it closed anyway. And no, I wasn't taking the subway cuz I didn't want to get lost and be late to my show on W. 44th. According to the website lights were out at this particular store at 3:30, which all my friends agreed was a pretty whacked time to close shop. After all, I thought it was the City that Never Sleeps anyway, so why would they think I would stop wanting yarn at that time? I always want yarn and fiber (not the Raisin Bran kind). The bus didn't get into the city until around 1:30 because traffic was insane. The pulse of the bus' brakes every 2-5 seconds made me think that anyone who owns a car and lives in the city must have to get a new brake job every 3-4 months! Don't even start with the everyone's scraped up bumpers either. If I lived in the city I would be in jail for murder right now or I would have installed a metal bar barrier around my entire car, and wired an alarm system to go off spontaneously if anyone got within 20 feet of my vehicle. They even have these little mats that look like mini feet or welcome mats you can now strap to inside your trunk and let them hang over the bumper so they don't get all scuffed up. From what I've observed, you could have a brand new car in the city look like an '82 Rabbit in about 5 minutes, and that's being generous. So with my love for cars and my personal space issues, driving in the city is definitely not a reality for me. I came to terms with that long ago. And speaking of the bus ride, going through Lincoln Tunnel took forever. I couldn't help but think of that scene with Michael Keaton in Dream Team when he's telling the bus full of crazies how they were all going underwater when they were in Lincoln Tunnel and that if one tile moved that mean they would all drown. Oops is that a crack?! Well, getting back to my walking around (when we finally got there) before I decided to just start darting into random shops in a girly shopping frenzy, I couldn't help but get that annoying lil' Don Henley song in my head. So that's what I started looking for...everything to change in that New York minute. In a New York minute I saw a dude walking down the street with Elvis Costello glasses and bright pink pants. Looked very springy actually even though I wanted to walk up and give him a huge bitch slap and remind him, "I'm sorry, but this really doesn't work for you!" Speaking of which, I came to the overall conclusion during just one day in the city that New York men are WAY too girly. Seriously. The most manly men I came across were a two bus loads of crazy Rangers fans yelling Go Rangers Go Rangers! down 42nd St. And I will say I am totally proud of myself for not throwing my slice of New York pizza and mango lemonade in their faces. I so wanted to, but when a freakin' slice of pizza and lemonade just cost you more than an hour's pay, you best suck that down like God told you: "Best eat that entire slice bitch cuz that's the last pizza you'll ever taste on this Earth." For sure! Seriously, on every corner there was a guy in loafers with the perfectly manicured finger nails like they just stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch meets Eddie Bauer commercial. And I'm sorry guys, but unless you're a starved musician walkin 'round town with your guitar, waiting to get on Cee Lo's A-list, don't go around sportin the grandpoppin newsboy hats. It's old, yuppy and lame! Then where but New York can you find this: a guy laying down on the street, middle of Broadway, right next to Brainy Smurf and Elmo and while their shaking hands and taking pictures with little kids, sportin' a sign that says: "Need money for drugs and fat women." As much of a deusche bag he was, I kind of had to respect how specific he was in his request. Again, miraculously, I was able to just walk away without kneeing the dude in the balls. I figured it would prob be a good thing if my husband didn't have to leave his Nets game in Jersey to come bail me out of jail. Then there was the dude with the huge nose ring that looked like he was trying to imitate some African tribe based strictly on stereotypes. Like I said, there's a rainbow of colors out there, but getting back to my first point, oddly, nothing changed in a NY minute on Saturday. You always have your bustle of people that you have to weave in and out of, that's to be expected. If you can't handle that you shouldn't be there. But what I found annoying was that everyone seemed to be in their own tiny little universe, totally oblivious to what was going on around them. You'd get people who'd gather right on a street corner when the little white guy was telling everyone should be crossing the street, then no one would move! You had your annoying tourists too who had to stop dead in the middle of the sidewalk so they could get a shot of Aunt Betty with the Empire State Building in the background or the huge teleprompter in Times Square. Again totally oblivious to the fact that a hoard of thousands of people were trying to pass by and get to their destinations. Nothing was happening in a New York minute, but waiting and pushing. Then there's always the classic situation when someone asks where you're from and they look at you like you just broke out of prison. In our cases, that's pretty much the closest you're going to get to the truth. Of course you can't be in NY shopping and not go to Macy's. I'm not even a Macy's girl, not even a mall girl any more for that matter. Being a very poor girl has a lot to do with that. But when I'm in NY I'm trying to put on the show that I'm there for. So I go into Macy's and I start checking out the perfumes. Of course I can't afford any so I'm about to walk past when the sales lady with strong Middle Eastern accent walks over and wants to spray me up and make me smell like a total whore. So of course I agree, I'm all into it. After all, I'm in NY, alone, let's be a whore for an afternoon. The bitch talks me into buying a $52 perfume/body lotion set that again I didn't have the $ for but got anyway because I'm in NY, and she asks where I'm from when I hand her the AmeriCU credit card. I'm from Utica. She glances up and down and says Whaaaaaaaaaat? Utica, NY and just to accentuate my upstate hickness "Ya know, right smack center of the state." And I point, like a dipshit. "Oh oh yes, OK." Oh hun, take your Morrocan tanned ass outside cuz I know you still don't have a clue. What can I say, my stench of Utica, NYness was probably why you wanted to drown me into that Grace Summer by Philosophy! She's probably like: She smells of ghetto, but not city ghetto, more like cow pie meets Cornhill pop a cap in yo ass ghetto. I must help her! So point made: Never identify your true self in the city. And I was trying to put it on. I was a total dork and wore high-heeled boots. Why? Cuz it is my personal philosophy that when I go to my city, especially for a show (which is why I was there), that I look the part. That's prob why I screamed hick dumbass as well. But I believe that you should look your best on Broadway, even though the theatre will take you however you are, even jeans and T-shirt. So while it was impractical to wear a gown around town all day, I did choose to look nice and to wear my dress boots, which ironically, was still a totally impractical gesture. My feet are still a little swollen today. And now that I spent a half-hour at a press conference that totally wasted my time, people can smell my rotten feet cuz the shoes are off! Then came the show after switching weight on my feet as I waited in line for a half-hour before they would even let us into the Majestic. At the same time I didn't care, I was going to see the longest running show on Broadway (sorry Cats). This less than a week after Lion King breaks its record as highest grossing. Yes, it takes my participation in something to totally destroy it. It's all part of my forever curse. So finally I get in get my bag checked at like quarter to 8 and of course look over the souvenirs. As cheesy as it was, I wasn't leaving NY without my Phantom of the Opera charm bracelet. I don't care if it looks like it's for a 4-year-old, I'm wearing it with pride like a rainbow flag. After all I'm here. I made it. So I need a symbol of my accomplishment. Since being in junior high school and playing every single Phantom tune for some concert or another, I always said before I died, I had to see the real thing on Broadway. And by the way, I suffered through years of sucky, insignificant cello parts. But I was still in love with the music and wanted to see it sung and played in person. Well it was time to go to my seat and every time I reached an usher it was up these stairs to the left, up these stairs to the right. Well how the hell many steps are in this place?! My feet felt like they were going to fall off. Actually I wish they did! When I finally reached my seat I thought well, I wanted to see this show before I died and I might just keel over right here and now! Well even though I was in nose bleed I could still see the stage and the experience was breath taking. Although I admit, I was so tired from walking all afternoon that I almost fell asleep during one of the scenes. Sorry Christine don't take it personally! It's finally the end of the performance but it felt like I had just gotten there. It was like 2 1/2 hours was like 15 minutes. Maybe because I just experienced something I had waited so long for. Anyway, that's when I get a call from the hubby saying they're still stuck in the parking lot in NJ so keep walking around. Gee thanks! Thank god I just spent a couple hours sitting and it did feel better walking than standing still and having all my body fat weighing on my feet. It was dark now and I can't help but fall in love with the city at night. It has this kind of romanticism to it. It was like I wanted someone to grab me and make out with me in front of Radio City, but I'm married now so I'm not suppose to share those naughty thoughts. But the city can also be so lonely walking the streets at night. I couldn't help but think back to the last time I was in the city all by myself. It was 5 years ago. I was all by myself then. I didn't have Eric at the time and I didn't know what life was going to bring. I didn't know who I was or what I was suppose to do. I remember walking the streets wondering if God had left someone for me or if I was never going to have a hand to hold the next time I got to walk down Seventh Avenue. I feared everything. I feared myself. My future. I was so weak. I hated that person. Still do. Yet I did find enough strength that day to be a central New York hick walking the streets of my city on my own. This time I was able to hold my head higher. Future still isn't written in stone but I feel I have a foundation. I wasn't wandering because I was lost. But I still thought back to where I was and where I am now. I'm lucky to have the things I do, but I'm still not complete. There's the things I was searching the streets for five years ago that I still haven't found. Will I ever discover them? Then my time in my city is done. Time to come home and face the same Monday grind. Things didn't change that much in a NY minute. I was going back to the same place of confusion. What would today bring and how unsettled, under-accomplished would I feel in life today? I spend a half hour trying to figure out what the publisher wants me to write today. I'm page one but he gives me a clip of one story, with a press release for another. I am as clueless as he is. I am always clueless and never know what I'm going to face every day. I hate that. I told a co-worker that I've mentioned this before: we don't need a guest appearance by Genesis to feel that we're all in the Land of Confusion. Well Uncle Phil, I must've dreamed a thousand dreams and many have not come true yet. But I can say some have...since those NY minutes a few years ago. I guess what they say is true, progress is slow. Tomorrow I will continue to be haunted by a million screams, but I can hear the marching feet...I wish things could change in a NY minute.
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