Lick My Fingers!

OMG!  I think we might have just made Dick Cheney suffer his 42nd heart attack!  Thanks to another fun-filled lunch time spent with co-workers and the exposure to their infinite wisdom, mixed with our daily dosage of Days of Our Lives vs. day-time T.V. commercials promoting goo everywhere, I have been inspired (and probably expired while doing so) once again to change your lives.  You see it all began with a commercial for the local Holland Farms bakery, featuring a group of children handling a box of "finger" doughnuts.  My thoughts were, "Ok, watching a bunch of lil' brats manhandle some doughnuts post nose and crotch picking, combined with the aroma of crayons and sandbox, is not the mental picture I need to make me want to run out to Holland Farms and get me a finger!"  Can we say finger lickin' good?  Well it was at that moment that a co-worker informed us that a few years back when Dick Cheney came to town, Marilyn, the owner of Holland Farms, got really excited.  She decided to use Dick's pacemaker to track him down and paid $1,000 just to have her picture taken with him.  Are you serious?  Now if I had $1,000 (which I don't and never will just to blow away, but lets say for argument's sake I did) and I wanted to pay someone to take a photo with, I might suggest a shot with a hotly naked Adam from Maroon 5 where I volunteer to be one of the hands covering his special male equipment, in reference to a very nice photo my friend Holly posted on her Facebook page last week.  Let's face it, the only way you'd get me to pay $1,000 for a pic with Dick is if he was bent over with his pants down and his thumb was planted firmly up his ass!  As if it weren't bad enough that Holland Farms was exploiting children to help sell their products, and then you've got "Dick is our Pick."  Thankfully, my co-workers were all in agreement and despite February being Jelly Doughnut Month, like a band of brothers — that would be two bros and one sis anyway — we made a pack to avoid that establishment like the new plague.  Which is why today we're telling everyone at Holland Farms to go frost and lick our fingers!  That very notion makes me wait in anticipation for my next incident of road rage, for the next time someone cuts me off I shall roll down my window, extend my middle digit and proclaim, "LICK MY FINGER!"  Of course no central New York driver will have the mental capacity to understand or be able to translate such a gesture.  But at least I will be able to smile a little inside.  Sometimes there's nothing more intimate than a little piece of personal gratification.  But of course it was that single act of bonding that caused my mind to begin wandering and to contemplate how the "finger" became to be such a negative symbol — a universal promoter of hate.  I mean how did that one finger get such a bad name?  Your first digit may point something out or relay that you have an idea.  Your pinky finger may "point" to your sophistication if you raise it to your tea cup. Thanks to the Fonz, we know that the thumb means, "AYYYYYYYYYYYYY," which is especially important to the Canadians I'm sure.  But why is that lone finger in the center known as F-U or F-Off!?  Yet, you can give the middle finger one thing — it's never misunderstood, never lost in translation.  We use it for several reasons and purposes, but they're all to promote some level of hate.  Perhaps the lady at No. Chinese Restaurant forgot to give you or beloved egg roll today.  Maybe someone sarcastically told you how nice you looked today and then you caught them rolling their eyes and giggling to themselves.  Typically if someone does you wrong or pisses you off in any way, shape or form, generally that middle digit gets firmly extended.  And what makes it so friendly, is that usually when you deservingly extend it to someone else, even though they are in the wrong, they still feel the need to respond by giving that finger back to you.  In reality, I guess you could say it is the most generous and giving gesture one can make.  So the next time you tell someone to go lick or eat your finger, do it with dignity.  Give the finger the respect it deserves.  Take thy crown-which otherwise thou wouldst receive!